In a singles convention a prayer point was raised" that singles should pray for their heart desires".
A lady prayed,"oh lord I don't want to marry a short man. Any short man that is coming my way I bound him by holy ghost fire!
And there's this short man standing next to her, praying: oh lord I'm a short man but I'm a billionaire.
Immediately she heard the word 'billionaire', her prayer changed.
She said "oh lord! is that your voice? Who am I to say no? I will marry the 'content' and ignore the 'container'. (abstract; 0nline nigeria)
Friday, 10 August 2012
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband
offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his
body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would t...ell
no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband
offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his
body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would t...ell
no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother and father kiss you on the cheek."
Igbo kwenu!
: By VivianAn Edo man invited his friends for his mother's burial, after lowering the coffin, they put yam, rice, meat etc, into the grave.
An Hausa man asked why? The Edo man smiled & said, "According to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get". The Hausa man dropped N100,000 inside and said, "When the food finish, buy more".
A Yoruba man also dropped N50,000 and said, add this in case it is not enough.
An Igbo man who was present at that time smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of N200,000. He dropped it in the coffin and took the N150,000 notes as change, then said, "Nwanne, withdraw when you reach dia o...it is going to be a dangerous journey, we don’t know how many robbers are out there and no one will be there to save you so just manage the check"
Igbo kwenu!
Naughty emeka
: By OnyebuchiA doctor's prescription
: By Vivian
A woman who felt being cheated by her husband went to the pharmacy to buy DDT…
The pharmacist felt the woman was going to commit suicide after giving the drug to her, so he questioned the woman about what she was going to use it for.
But to his surprise the woman said: I am going to poison my husband.
Pharmacist: Ei! why do you want to kill your own husband … don’t you know that it’s a crime and punishable by law?...
The woman after several arguments with the pharmacist and having the feelings that the pharmacist could order for her arrest started crying, she brought out an envelope from her bag and dropped it on the pharmacy's counter.
The pharmacist opened the envelope only to see pictures of his “holy wife” and his client’s husband naked in bed…
The pharmacist shouted: “blood of Jesus!” ... You don't mean it... at least you should have told me you have a doctor’s prescription.
Relax! let the poison work
: By VivianA man was dying slowly of an unknown illness on his sick bed.
His wife sat at the edge of his bed comforting him to take heart and that he may be well soon.
The man looked up and said weakly, "Sweet love, you have always been there for me even when I sin against you... I have something I must confess", but his wife was quick to say that: "There's no need to confess".
"No, no!" he insisted, "I want to die a peaceful death so I must confess... I slept with your mother, sister, and your best friend!"
His wife replied: "Shhhh!!! I know, I know dearie, but please relax. Remember the doctor said you shouldn't talk too much...So now just rest and let the poison work in your system."
Thursday, 9 August 2012
SEX AT 90
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
CAJUN FUNERAL
Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, "When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"
Jacque said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Fouché commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!' "
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
WHY FOLKS MOVE TO FLORIDA
A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you "
The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse "
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Is Florida great or what?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are sexy.
SENILITY: DEFINED
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic
who never owned a car.
THE SHIPWRECKED REDNECK
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
A woman is like a tea bag...
You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice
on how to combine marriage and a career.
ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS
I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day. Just south of Kansas City a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican".
The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat " I shouted.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.
THIS WEEK'S BLONDE JOKE
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and he sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked ..."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
CAJUN FUNERAL
Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, "When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?"
Jacque said: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Fouché commented: "I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Boudreaux said: "I'd like dem to say, 'Look, he's movin!' "
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
WHY FOLKS MOVE TO FLORIDA
A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you "
The man asked, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse "
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Is Florida great or what?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are sexy.
SENILITY: DEFINED
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic
who never owned a car.
THE SHIPWRECKED REDNECK
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
A woman is like a tea bag...
You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.
OF THE FORMERLY RICH HOULIHANS
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is." "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is." "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice
on how to combine marriage and a career.
ONE FOR THE REPUBLICANS
I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day. Just south of Kansas City a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican".
The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat " I shouted.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
Coffee, chocolate, and men. Some things are just better rich.
THIS WEEK'S BLONDE JOKE
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and he sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked ..."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
(abstract; Suddenly Senior Jokes)
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